Link Says His First Words

Since the dawn of time in 1987, we’ve all been anxiously awaiting one thing. No, not Half-Life 3. It’s the day we hear Link, the protagonist of The Legend of Zelda series, speak. Today, October 23, 2018, it’s finally come.

Speech therapists have tried everything to help Link adjust from making pained noises to creating vowels. For many a years, it seemed as though the green hero was to never speak a word. However, history has been rewritten today.

Hours ago, Link was gallivanting through Hyrule, climbing to the peak of a great mountain, when suddenly he fell.

(Pictured: Link, seconds before his incident.)

He rolled and tumbled down to the very bottom, somehow not dead, and when he stood up, Link uttered his first and only words, “Aw, f*ck.”

Top 5 Mind-Blowing Reveals In Videogames

We can all agree that videogames can touch you, emotionally. Some day, with our advances in technology, they may even touch you physically. However, on top of causing emotional reactions, videogames can also surprise you! Here are some of the most iconic moments that left gamers bug-eyed!

5) Samus was Ridley the whole time

Following the end of Metroid, for the NES, our armor-clad protagonist finally took of their helmet to reveal that they were an extraterrestrial dragon! Figures.

4) Zelda is the guy with the sword 

After all these years of confusion, it’s finally become clear that; yes, the hero is named Zelda! It’s the title of the game, after all. It makes sense.

3) Pikachu is the most powerful Pokémon 

We can all rest easy knowing that Pikachu, is statistically, the best Pokémon! Don’t let his cutesy appearance deceive you, because this Pokémon can beat anything, anyone, any time.

2) There is no final Final Fantasy 

The beloved game series really took us all for a loop when it became apparent that there is no end to them! The paradoxical title is now a fun inside joke among hardcore fans because even though it says it’s the Final Fantasy, there’s fifteen of them, and even more spin-offs! Oh, those pranksters.

1) Mario and Luigi are related 

What a shocker! Fans were reeling as it came out that the two plumbers were, in fact, brothers! Despite being in the same franchise, and sharing the last name, there was still an air of mystery around their relationship. However, a press conference with Nintendo unveiled this  shocking realization; these identical plumbers have been siblings this whole time! Crazy, right?

 

Lost Media Episode 1 – The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Link™

For the first instalment of Bottom Feeder News’s Lost Media feature, where we dial back the mists of time to unearth the secret treasures of yesteryear, we have a real treat for you all.

That’s right – it’s another f*cking video game.

Straight from the cobweb-infested depths of the Nintendo headquarters of Redmond, Washington – buried alongside unsold Wavebirds and skeletons hooked up to Virtual Boys – lies the most sought-after piece of media made by the Japanese gaming giant. We are of course referring to a hidden instalment of The Legend of Zelda™ series: A Link to the Link™, touted for the SNES around mid-1995 but never released due to the impending release of the Nintendo 64. Or at least that’s what Nintendo’s PR department says, along with gentle threats of police involvement next time we call them.

What was intended an expansion to the seminal A Link to the Past™ was tragically cut short early in its development cycle, where it quickly became the stuff of schoolyard legend. Screenshots of the game were briefly featured in Nintendo Power; we say ‘briefly’ because the issue was swiftly pulled from shelves (contrary to popular belief it had nothing to do with the game, but rather a misprint that spelled ‘Starfox’ as ‘Starfuchs’). But for those who glimpsed the original issue, those images haunt them to this day. One of the most acclaimed games of all time receiving a sequel? Apply the cartridge to my face please.

Of course, that is assuming it was a sequel. Which it was. Or was it? Most likely.

Here’s what we know of the game’s scenario, based on the original napkin drawings by Shigeru Miyamoto:

• Link was to have a twin brother, called Recht. Recht was Link’s slacker brother who drinks out of the milk carton and never pays his rent on time. He was to provide a humorous contrast to Link, and the game would’ve featured a two-player mode that relied on each brother’s abilities. According to Miyamoto in an interview with a fansite a few years later, “he [Recht] would’ve made Tingle look like a f*cking mensch.”
• In a break with tradition, Zelda would not have appeared in this game. Instead, she would’ve put in an appearance in the game’s credits sequence where she tallies up your progression and insults you for not pursuing that side-quest when you had the time, you jerk.
• Ganon, by contrast, would’ve played a major role. He is one of the many possible suitors afforded by the game’s then-revolutionary dating sim mechanic.
• One screenshot exists online, hinting at a possible call center mechanic:

Time Traveler Arrives Too Late to Prevent Video Games

KYOTO, JAPAN – A time traveler from the year 2089 was seen standing outside Nintendo’s headquarters in Kyoto with a frustrated expression, much to the bemusement of onlookers. The time traveler – whose name has been withheld to protect the integrity of the time stream – frantically grabbed several Japanese businessmen by the lapels.

“What year is it?” the time traveler cried, forgetting that they didn’t speak their language. “Is it 1889? Please tell me it’s 1889!” They then stumbled about in a daze, collapsing in front of the iconic grey headquarters. On their knees they cursed to the skies and beat the ground in anger.

“I’m too late,” they said, voice tinged with defeat. “I’m always too late. Every step I make they just become stronger.”

When probed by journalists at an international press conference later that week, the time traveler elaborated that they hail from a future where video games have destroyed mankind and possibly even some unrelated species such as the stoat. In a desperate gambit they were sent from the year 2089 to 1889 in the hopes of stopping Nintendo in its infancy, when it was nothing more than a trading-card company.

“We have precious little time left,” they said. This proved to be their last words as an individual from the further date of 2090 materialized at the conference and assassinated the time traveler, proclaimed something to the effect of “gamers are the most stigmatized minority” before retreating into the future. We as a species can only anticipate what lies in store.

Twilight Princess Villain, Blizzeta Also Spotted In Midst of ‘Bomb Cyclone’

Philadelphia, PA (BFN) – Yet another villain as been spotted during the midst of the ‘bomb cyclone’ that is ravaging much of the American northeast. The latest being notorious Twilight Princess boss, Blizzeta.

This brings the count of evildoers to a total of three. Sub-Zero  was last seen in New York, while Ice Man was noted to have been making his way towards Cambridge, MA.

With the deadliest snowstorm in the region ongoing we have reason to believe that this is no mere coincidence.