Your Island (BFN) – We have just received word from your neighbors that they are sick of your shit.
Specifically, other villagers are fed up with all the constant changes, the noises late at night or early in the morning, year-round construction, constantly replacing villagers, the way you look at them when you are near a money tree, and how fast time goes when you’re around.
Rumors suggest that there will be a secret meeting tonight to discuss your immediate removal.
Your Island (BFN) – We have breaking news that museum curator, Blathers has just been relieved of all his duties.
The news comes from Tom Nook’s daily announcement, who cited Blathers’ propensity for sleeping on the job as the primary reason for being canned.
Rumors suggest Blathers’ sister, Celeste may take up the mantle. More as this story develops.
A miracle has occurred within our very midst. Last week, a young man was trapped beneath a four ton vehicle. Officers and first responders were struggling to rescue this individual, when a bystander saw an exciting announcement on their phone. Overcome with joy, they exclaimed, “Holy crap! Animal Crossing is coming to the Switch?!”
Beneath the car, the young man went through a powerful transformation. “There was just this overwhelming strength coursing through me,” he claims, “It was crazy.”
He was able to lift the car, only a few inches. The first responders, however, noticed what was happening and encouraged the bystander to tell the man more.
“It’s coming out in 2019! The trailer looked great! Tom Nook is there!”
Soon, the young man had lifted the four ton car above his head as though it was nothing. What an amazing feat! When he learned that there were no further details at the time, he put the car down and cried.
The lovable and instantly adored Isabelle, introduced in Animal Crossing: New Leaf, has joined the ever growing roster for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate/The Last One Maybe. The sweet assistant was always helping the player make mayoral decisions, and was even a handy helper in Happy Home Designer. However, her character is going to take on a new facet, in Super Smash Bros.
Isabelle is ready to beat ass. Finally, after all this time, she can show her true colors. You, the player, have been gone from your Animal Crossing save for too long, and Isabelle is looking to collect some compensation. She’s going to f*cking wreck your whole scene. She’s tired of mayors coming and going, so she’s putting her foot down, right into your skull.
In her final smash, it is also revealed that she’s teamed up with everyone’s least favorite debt collector, Tom Nook. Get ready for your worst nightmare as the two combine their powers and take every last dollar you have.
Look out, Mayor. They’re out for blood.
Get ready for Tom Nook to take all of your money, and then kill you.
Tom Nook was arrested last night by the Chicago PD for embezzling funds from locals, with promise of a house in a new campsite he was building.
“I didn’t quite get why a raccoon wanted my money, but he seemed trustworthy and promised me a house, so I gave him some money.” A victim of the raccoon’s stated. “He got mad when I handed him paper money, demanding that I pay him in bells, but I didn’t have any bells on me.”
Tom Nook is not a local of Chicago, but was in the Windy City in hopes of furthering his mortgaging business.
“He offered to hire me part-time in his store, but I didn’t think I would fit inside of a tiny store like that. Plus, he only offered to pay me in bells, but bells are only for the holidays.” Another victim stated.
Two other younger raccoons were found to be working with our offender, following around Nook’s victims and offering to sell them items from their store.
“It’s odd that these raccoons spoke English,” stated an officer working on the case
Nook was taken into custody for further questioning and has a court date set later this month, with a deportation date soon after. The younger raccoons were sent home to their mother, as they were found to be juveniles.
We reached out to Nook for further comment, but have yet to hear back from him.
We hope that this raccoon can sort out his life and get back on the right track.
BFN 
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