San Francisco – (BFN) We are back from our first ever Game Developers Conference and man what a whirl! We got our hands on plenty of demos and saw a bunch of awesome trailers. However, none of that is what we are here to talk about. As the premier journalists in the entire gaming industry, we felt the desire, nay, the obligation to divulge an industry secret that has been kept under wraps for countless years. Now understand, by airing out these secrets, we are not only putting our careers on the line but our very lives. So what’s the big secret? Well, it’s that the Game Developer’s Conference is one giant orgy.
Every year, game developers from around the world flood a vibrant city in order to share the latest achievements in game development. However, turns out that if you group together a bunch of people with similar interests in a place that is entirely new to them, well then trailers aren’t the only things that are going to be popping off.
“There will be a lot of condoms just lying around,” mentioned a software developer, who wished to remain anonymous. We experienced this first hand as we were handed countless condoms and other sexual paraphernalia for simply trying out games and visiting booths.
At GDC, sex and trailers are the names of the game.
This type of behavior is not unheard of. In fact, it is very similar to what goes on during the Olympics in the Olympic Village. However, where the two seem to differ is how hush-hush things are kept at GDC. The Game Developers Conference has been around for a long time, yet there has yet to be a single mention of the extravagant orgies one might find themselves when attending GDC. I suppose the secrecy comes down to two things. For starters, you wouldn’t expect a bunch of overweight and socially awkward nerds to be hosting orgies that rival an episode of Devilman Crybaby. But more so, in order to find yourself in the middle of one of these parties you had to uncover a host of secret passwords and interact with some peculiar characters.
It all started when we received an invitation from a masked cosplayer. Assuming it was just like any other handout one would get at a convention, we turned around to hand the invitation back to the cosplayer, but to our astonishment, he had vanished. As we mentioned, the invitation itself it looked pretty standard. Anyone who has ever been to a convention has most likely received a similar looking card. It had sloppy writing, a cliche tagline, and some token hot girl in cosplay.
However, a close friend of ours, a friend who we will simply refer to as Chad, had been to GDC many times before and knew instantly that what we were holding in our hands was far more than just your run of the mill invitation.
The invitation, which Chad referred to as “DLC” was riddled with hidden language that could only be solved by an expert in all things video games and orgies. Like Nathan Drake, Chad started to decipher the invitation and like Sully we watched.
After a few moments and a little help from the hint icon, Chad was able to decipher the invitation. It pointed us directly to a nightclub located in the heart of San Francisco.
According to Chad, the front of the nightclub was most likely a ruse and so with Chad’s instruction, we headed towards the back of the nightclub. Once in the back, we stumbled upon some cellar doors. With no one in sight, we pried the doors open and headed down. At the bottom we were greeted by yet another door, this time a steel bolted one. As we approached we heard, “The password…”
Chad responded, “Fear the old blood.”
There was some mumbling, then the man suddenly broke out into a menacing laughter. The door began to open. As the door continued to open, the laughing ceased.
We walked in and all that was behind the door was a corpse. It was sporting the same cosplay as the man who handed who the invitation. I heard loud music emanating not too far from us and so we moved towards it. As we approached, the music grew louder and louder. It was a loop of the Gregorian chant from Halo. Petrified, I stood in place. I had seen enough and wanted to get on the first flight back home. Chad stated that we had come too far and insisted that we push forward. After a little more convincing, I agreed. Plus Chad was my ride back to the hotel.
We followed the sound of the music and stumbled into a room that looked similar to the Altar of Despair. As we entered the room, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. There were dozens of people, all of them naked and all of them having intercourse. Some pleasing each other, others pleasing themselves, and a few even pleasing anime body pillows. The Gregorian chant continued to ring out.
The most disturbing fact was the number of notable people there. Familiar faces from all across the gaming industry. Of course, we are going to refrain from mentioning any names because, you know, Eyes Wide Shut, and all.
What did we do once we arrived at the orgy? Well, let’s just we’re really looking forward to next years GDC.
BFN 
You must be logged in to post a comment.